Today on Alphabet City: Jon Paul goes to Celebrity Rehab and finds a new boyfriend.
It was just a matter of time before I got caught cheating, again. This time, I clumsily left the evidence right where Chef could see it. Usually he doesn’t pay much attention. But home sick with the flu, Chef was lounging on the couch, and as he picked up the remote, I twitched nervously. I was about to be found out. He punched on the TV, called up the list of shows recorded on our DVR, and turned to me suspiciously.
“What’s this Celebrity Rehab?” he questioned.
I gulped. How to explain it? He stared in disbelief at the short summary listing down-on-their-luck “celebrities” like Mackenzie Phillips who signed up for a little publicity while getting clean.
“Oh, that? Believe it or not, my new TV boyfriend is on the show.”
“No, silly, Dr. Drew!”
Immediately, I relaxed. It felt good to come out and stop hiding. As much I resist, I can totally get sucked into trash TV, and my first time with Dr. Drew had me hooked. How could I look away from a train wreck that included Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss and country music start Mindy McCready. Presiding over this hothouse of madness was the serene Dr. Drew with the sexy glasses and compassionate face. Would he be my Daddy?
“You don’t want to watch that,” I said to Chef, wanting to keep this guilty pleasure to myself. Then Chef hit play and I watched it happen—he was signed up in a matter of minutes.
I knew that watching the show with Chef was going to be a very different viewing experience—he doesn’t really pay attention to much in the way of pop culture, outside of music divas like Madonna and Lady Gaga. Thankfully, the program rolls a video mini-bio of each participant as they are introduced, so I knew Chef would be okay. But I wasn’t prepared for Chef’s confusion over the detox process.
“So in order to get off heroin you have to become addicted to meth?” he asked after listening to Dr. Drew counseling a former member of Alice in Chains.
“What? No, they give you methadone to get off heroin. And it’s highly addictive. Didn’t you just listen to Dr. Drew’s lecture?”
“I thought it was the same thing. So what does crystal meth stand for if not methadone?”
“The same thing that’s in ecstasy?”
“No, that’s MDMA.”
I realized then that Celebrity Rehab, while a guilty pleasure for me, was going to be a much more educational experience for Chef. Like a cracked-up Sesame Street. My boyfriend Dr. Drew and I have our work cut out for us.